Friday, October 7, 2011


This picture was taken on Dec. 23rd, 2010, my Mom didn't get diagnosed until four months later even though it was obvious to everyone that something was really wrong and had been for months.

On Sunday I will be embarking on the hardest trip I've had to take back home in the 22 years I've been living in Toronto.

My Mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer on April 22nd of this year after being sick and misdiagnosed for many, many months. When I flew down at that time so I could be with her before and after her surgery I was running on adrenaline and shock, and didn't really have time to process what was happening until I returned back to Toronto.

I am also very aware that this may very well be the last time I see my Mother on this side of the veil. That's a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what it is, and I am trying to deal with that. I haven't been very good emotionally since I returned, the stress and worry takes a toll. Other then work and nature outings with Rob, I haven't been going out much and keeping pretty much to myself.

My Mother hasn't been living at home since her diagnoses and is currently in a nursing home in New Glasgow, while she waits for a bed in Truro, closer to her friends and family. I will be staying at a motel within walking distance while I am there and also will be spending a couple days with my Dad in Truro. Never in my 42 years did I think I would be visiting my parents in different towns.

I'm trying to look at this trip to see Mom as a gift. Though she no longer has the use of her legs, and her memory is going, she still remembers her friends and family, something the disease will eventually take. A lot of people who lose someone always wish for "one more day", I'm getting that chance, getting to spend a few days with her one more time.

When I get back from this trip I'm really going to push myself to start living my life again, like I did before Mom got sick. It's taken me a while to sort out in my head that living my life, while my Mother loses her's isn't disrespectful to her, but a way to honour her. Yeah, the whole situation sucks, but me sitting around a depressed mess waiting for the inevitable isn't helping me or my Mother, and I don't want to do that anymore, that isn't the kind of daughter my Mother raised.

Oh, I know I will still have hard days, the hardest day yet to come, but I think surrounding myself with my friends here in Toronto, the people who care about me, will give me the strength I need to carry me through the hardest time in my life.

My Mother taught me a lot of lessons growing up, isn't it ironic that the greatest life lesson she's taught me comes at the end of hers; Life is precious and short, live it, no regrets.

I know what I will be thankful for this Thanksgiving.


Darlene said...

Beautiful. Your mom is lucky to have your support and good vibes and positive attitude. You've clearly learned a lot from her, too.

Teena in Toronto said...

It's so true ... live each day as if it's your last.

I hope you spend some quality time with your mom this week.

Dan said...

"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt,
and dance like you do when nobody's watching."